Plan 9: The Strange Case of Bella and Carlisle
by Calendulam
Summary: Bella and Carlisle discover a surprising common interest, and Edward attempts to decipher exactly what they’re up to.
1. Prologue: Closet Lurking

**Dislaimer: I own nothing. And I suppose you could call this AU, but I'm still pretending _Breaking Dawn_ doesn't exist, so I won't. **

Prologue – Closet Lurking is the Last Straw

**Wednesday Morning **

There was laughing – tittering, teeheeing, giggling, whatever you wanted to call it – coming from the closet in the pantry. The voices belonged to Bella and Carlisle _again. _I had never in all of our years together heard Carlisle _giggle_ until this past week and it was slightly disconcerting. I would even venture to guess that Carlisle had never before giggled during the whole of his long existence.

I heard him mutter my name as I approached their apparent hiding spot; Bella let out one last stifled laugh and they both fell silent.

I threw open the pantry door to see the pair of them blinking innocently in my direction, Bella worrying her lip between her teeth and Carlisle wearing a small, amused smile.

"What are you two doing in there?" I asked, trying to keep the ridiculous jealousy out of my voice. It was _Carlisle_, I kept telling myself. If you can't trust Carlisle, you can't trust anyone.

They looked at each other for a fraction of a second, seemingly communicating something. Carlisle's thoughts were strangely blank.

"We were just discussing –" he began.

"Peanut butter and banana sandwiches," Bella finished lamely before glancing furtively at Carlisle out of the corner of her eye.

Carlisle's thoughts chimed in – there was a nervous edge to them, or was I simply imagining it? This is Carlisle, Edward, your father in every important way. There is nothing inappropriate going on. Nothing inappropriate in the slightest.

_Peanut butter and banana_, he thought – _such a strange combination, isn't it? You know, Edward, Elvis Presley favoured that exact type of sandwich_….

"Elvis liked peanut butter and banana -- fried," Bella added brightly.

_Exactly_, Carlisle's thoughts reassured. He smiled warmly at me. I wasn't convinced, however. What in the hell were they up to?

I tried to keep the annoyance out of my voice when I replied – it was a vain attempt. I've never had much skill at hiding that particular emotion. "Isn't that interesting."

"Yes, quite," Carlisle agreed, flashing me another warm smile. He was trying to use his bedside manner against me. Me!

I narrowed my eyes. "Well – I didn't realise you were so fascinated with the diets of deceased celebrities, Carlisle," I said sarcastically. "I'll leave you both to your conversation, shall I? As it appears to be both enlightening and hilarious."

Bella's eyes bulged slightly and her heart rate picked up. Carlisle merely bit his lip lightly and seemed to be holding in a laugh. I scanned their faces once more and turned to leave the room. I did not, however, close the pantry door behind me. Lurking about in closets was a bit much, whatever they were doing.

What in God's name were the two of them up to? It wasn't like Carlisle to be so secretive and play silly games like he was doing. Especially with me. What did they feel they needed to hide?

First the shopping in Seattle, when everyone knew Bella detested shopping and avoided it like the plague, whereas Carlisle was simply disinterested unless said shopping involved cars or hospital supplies. Then pretending to be at the hospital and disappearing into thin air for an entire day. Now muttering -- and let's not forget about the giggling – in enclosed spaces? Not to mention the constant barrage of strange looks between them, as well as lip biting, hand signals and almost imperceptible nodding. It was driving me crazy! And they were somehow avoiding both Alice's and my gift in the process! I had to get to the bottom of this – and I intended to use every possible facility I had to do so.

**A/N: Silly, I know. :D The next few chapters will flashback to explain what's been going on. Please review and let me know what you think. **


	2. Chapter 1: Last Thursday

**A/N: First of all -- I am so sorry it's taken me this long to update. I just settled into my new place and only got my internet hooked up yesterday. Hopefully it won't ever happen again. Secondly -- I'm sorry if I haven't answered your review. I really appreciate every single shred of feedback I get, but I, well, see my previous excuse. ;) I promise to answer every one I get from now on. **

**To everyone who was wondering what Bella and Carlisle are up to -- you won't find out until close to the end. I have already written most of that chapter, and the one that precedes it. I hope you won't be disappointed. And as my rambling is becoming as long as this chapter, I'll stop now.**

Chapter 1 – Last Thursday

"Your eyes are almost black," Bella stated matter-of-factly, as if it were a common everyday courtesy to point out to your vampire boyfriend that he needed to drink the blood of a living creature to sustain himself. I loved her for her nonchalance, yet at the same time was angry that she could be so flippant about it.

"I hate leaving you," I replied simply.

"I hate it when you're away, too – believe me – but you can't ignore your basic needs to babysit me." She gave me a scolding look and I pretended to be intimidated. _Silly, beautiful girl._ "Anyway," she continued, " Carlisle said he'd stay with me this time. He doesn't have to go in to the hospital for a couple of days."

"You've discussed my lack of hunting with Carlisle?" I questioned.

She shrugged noncommittally and looked in the other direction.

"All right, then. If you're okay with the arrangements, I guess I'll speak to everyone else about maybe heading up to the mountains again – not too far away."

She flashed me a brilliant smile. It was strange; the smiles she gave me when planning or leaving to hunt were always forced. She thought she was fooling me, but I knew her every expression and the feelings behind them. I had learned to read her body language very well out of necessity – it still drove me crazy to be locked out of her thoughts.

"Perfect," she said sweetly, and leaned in for a kiss.

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Hunting had gone well and I felt much better -- physically at least. I was worried about Bella, though I knew that she was fine. I trusted no one with her safety more than I trusted Carlisle. Yet I still convinced my family to leave our hunting grounds early, although not as early as I had hoped (Alice and Jasper had been off doing things I had been desperately trying to block from my mind at the time and ever since, and they'd made us late). Bella said she would hang around our house all day to meet me when we arrived home, and I was looking forward to seeing her.

I pushed the Volvo more than I had ever pushed it before, racing down the highway, through the back roads, and finally up our long, tree-lined driveway. I stopped the car in front of the house and practically jumped out, but the house was silent. Silent of the one sound I wanted to hear, the most important sound in my world. There was no trace of Bella's heartbeat. She was not there, and neither was Carlisle; the house was empty.

It was strange for her not to be where she'd said she would be, but I was sure I had no reason to worry. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialled her house – no answer. I tried Carlisle's phone – no answer. I called the hospital – no Carlisle. Now I was worried.

"Wherever they are, Edward, it appears they're together at least. Don't worry about Bella. You know Carlisle would never let anything happen to her," Esme reassured me.

I knew she was right, but I needed to know where Bella was. I needed to hear her voice. I tried Carlisle's phone again.

It rang and rang and rang some more. Finally there was a click and a long beep, signalling the answering service. I left Carlisle a message asking if he knew where Bella was. I probably sounded ridiculous and desperate, but I was beyond caring. I snapped my phone shut and started pacing.

About 45 seconds into my pacing, my phone began to buzz. Carlisle. I flipped it open so quickly I nearly snapped it backwards.

"Edward, I just got your message," said Carlisle's voice from the other end. "I'm sorry I missed your calls, but I left my phone in the car. Bella's with me and she's fine."

"With you where?"

"In Seattle –"

"Why are you in Seattle?" I cut him off.

"Oh, just shopping a bit, seeing the city. Bella seemed a bit antsy waiting for you to come home, so I suggested it. We'll be back before long – we just need to grab Bella something to eat before the drive."

Shopping? Bella?

"Oh. Okay," I replied. What else could I say? It was strange. "I'll see you both soon, then."

"Goodbye, Edward."

I hung up without responding. Shopping?

"Weird," Alice said, voicing my thoughts aloud, her nose all crinkled up_. She won't willingly shop with me_, she whined in her head.

"You didn't see them decide to go to Seattle?" I questioned her.

"No, they must have decided at the last minute. Or they only decided to go while I was – er -- otherwise occupied."

Jasper grinned at me and waggled his eyebrows, which made Alice elbow him in the ribs. Emmett, assuming Jasper was showing me inappropriate images of himself and Alice and not wanting to feel left out, starting thinking about naked Rosalie feeding on a grizzly bear.

"Disgusting, Emmett!" I threw my hands over my ears, an automatic response that of course did nothing to block the thoughts from my brain.

_That never actually happened_, Emmett thought.

"That never actually happened," Emmett said.

_Unfortunately. But there's always next time._

"Unfortunately. But there's always next time." He waggled his eyebrows as Jasper had done and followed Rosalie up the stairs.

God. Sometimes I hated having fake siblings.

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Carlisle's Mercedes pulled up in front of the house 3 hours later. _3 hours._ Sure, Carlisle didn't drive as fast as I did, but it shouldn't have taken them 3 hours. I knew that my impatience as well as my constant pacing was ridiculous, but I couldn't help it, I wanted Bella where I could keep an eye on her. I didn't like her being so far from me for so long a time. _No more hunting anywhere but the park_, I told myself. I could handle the boring meals I could find there until such a time when I no longer had to worry for Bella's safety. I both longed for and dreaded that day.

The sound of Bella's heart beating and the sweet scent of her pulled me from my musing. I turned to see her coming through the front door, shopping bags clutched in her small hands. She smiled widely at me and all of my previous worry left me. I rushed towards her and swept her up in my arms, making her drop the fruit of her day's shopping labour all over the floor. Carlisle had just entered the house behind her, his arms full of many more bags and boxes.

"I'll get those," he said, smiling at me and motioning with his head towards the bags Bella had dropped. "I told you I could get them, Bella."

She pulled herself gently from my embrace. "I could carry a few, at least," she replied, blushing.

"Huh. Did you ever go shopping," Alice said stiffly from the foot of the stairs.

Bella flushed a deeper shade of crimson and looked at the obviously put out Alice. "Yes. We – um – got you something," she stuttered nervously.

Alice's demeanour changed in an instant. "You did!" she exclaimed, jumping up and down. "Let's see! And Carlisle – I really like that hat!"

Carlisle lifted a hand to his head, touching the hat that sat perched jauntily atop it. "Oh, yes, I'd forgotten," he replied. "Bella picked it out for me."

Bella grinned widely at him and he smiled back, bending over to search through their purchases for Alice's gift. Bella had obviously become a lot more comfortable around Carlisle during their day together, which I thought was wonderful. They were, after all, two of my favourite people in the world.

Carlisle handed Alice a bag from his enormous collection, and she took it quickly, squealing in delight. I shifted slightly to watch her open it and my foot encountered something squishy – another shopping bag, one of the handful Bella had dropped when I had embraced her. I bent over to pick it up so I wouldn't damage its contents.

"No!" Bella shrieked, grabbing at the bag in my hands.

I let go of it in shock and watched her face break into another crimson flush.

"Sorry," she said, softly this time, "you can't see what's in this one."

She gave me a wavering, nervous sort of smile and clutched the small black bag to her chest protectively. Her eyes shifted quickly from mine to Carlisle and back again.

I looked over at Carlisle to see if he'd noticed or understood her strange reaction, but his attention was focused completely on Alice, who was jumping up and down, hugging a pair of boots and wearing an enormously pleased smile. Carlisle chuckled fondly and wandered towards the room he shared with Esme, calling out quietly for her.

"Edward, I'm going to take all of this upstairs, okay?" Bella asked, still blushing slightly. She had gathered the rest of her fallen purchases from the floor while I hadn't been paying attention.

I opened my mouth and reached towards her, about to offer my assistance, but was stopped short by the way she was clutching everything and the odd look she had on her face. Instead, I motioned her towards the stairs with my hand and followed after her as she headed to my room.

It was strange for Bella to behave in such a way -- perhaps she was simply trying to surprise me with something. That was probably it. And she knew how difficult it was for anyone to ever surprise me. I decided not to think on it any longer; if Bella wanted me surprised, then surprised I would be.

**A/N: Please let me know what you think, or, alternatively, what you think is going on. Or even if I should just stop this before it becomes too ridiculous/bores you to tears.**


	3. Chapter 2: The Following Sunday

**A/N: Thanks for the feedback -- I really appreciate it! **

**Lucius -- your review made me laugh like you wouldn't believe. I was working on a later chapter when I received it, and it was extra funny because of something going on at the time. Sorry for being so cryptic. Also, if I called you a perv I would only mean it as a compliment. ;)**

**Onward...**

Chapter 2 – The Following Sunday

"So, I'm going to spend the day at the hospital with Carlisle," Bella informed me. "We discussed it on Thursday, and I think I want to try being a Candy Striper. It'll be good for me to get used to being around blood and things – make it harder for me to faint."

"Are you sure, Bella? I don't want you to actually faint."

"It'll be fine. Carlisle will be with me, and he promises to take it easy on me." She grinned hugely as if she'd made a funny joke. "Besides, if I hate it I can leave at any time. No strings attached."

"Well, good luck then. If you do want to leave, give me a call and I'll come pick you up. I wouldn't want you driving if you're feeling the least bit unwell."

She smiled sweetly at me. "Thank you, Edward." I reached down and pulled her to me, pressing my lips to her warm, full ones.

I released her and she walked over to her beast of a truck and climbed in. The engine started with a mighty roar, and she gave me one last smile and blew me a kiss before backing out of her father's driveway and heading towards the hospital.

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Sometime around noon I went to Bella's favourite diner and bought her a sandwich and a chocolate milkshake, then drove over to the hospital to have lunch with her. I parked the Volvo beside her truck in the visitor's lot and headed inside.

I wandered the halls, searching for Bella or Carlisle, but I could find no trace of Bella, and no recent trace of my father. One of the nurses accosted me after a few minutes, alerted by my confused expression.

"Who are you looking for, dear?" she asked me.

"My father, Dr Cullen. Do you think you could have him paged?"

"Sure thing, hon, though I don't remember seeing Dr Cullen today. Could be wrong, though, I only started my shift an hour ago."

She walked towards the nurses' station and picked up the phone to page Carlisle. Another nurse (one I had met before by the name of Debbie) stopped by with a stack of charts. The first nurse asked Debbie if she'd seen him. She shook her head and shrugged her shoulders, saying that she thought Dr Cullen was off for the day.

The first nurse hung up the phone and walked back over to me. "Um – there must have been a miscommunication, dear. Your father has the day off today."

Miscommunication? Bella's truck was parked outside, how could there have been a miscommunication? I smiled at the nurse, careful not to show too much of my teeth.

"You must be right," I said, "Thank-you." I was heading towards the exit before she had a chance to answer.

Once outside, I scanned the parking lot for Carlisle's Mercedes, but it was nowhere to be found. Bella must have driven there to meet him, and then left with him in his car. But where had they gone?

I pulled my small phone out of my jacket pocket and dialled.

"Edward," Alice answered after half a ring. "They went to Olympia, I think. They've decided to get Bella some lunch before continuing on to a shop – DVDs and things, it looked like."

"But why would they go there? And why lie about being here?" I snapped.

"I don't know, Edward," Alice sighed. "You know I don't see their reasoning, just what they've decided to do."

I felt immediately guilty for snapping at Alice, and for relying on her so heavily. "I know, Alice. I'm sorry for speaking to you in that manner. I'm just confused."

"Tell me about it," she replied. "I wouldn't dwell on it, just ask them when they get back. Shopping and lunch is hardly anything to get worked up about."

"It isn't the shopping or the lunch that's got me worked up – it's the lying about it."

"Just ask them, Edward. I can already tell you aren't going to. Being sneaky in return can hardly help, can it?"

I sighed deeply. She was right, of course; she almost always was. "I suppose not," I replied.

"That's better, I can see you asking Bella now." There was a smile in her voice.

"It's too bad you can't see what she's going to tell me."

"Yes, yes, so it goes," she said in a singsong voice. "You're going to hang up now."

I closed the phone on Alice's bell-like giggles.

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I laid in wait in Bella's bedroom.

I heard the approaching rumble of her truck at 5:00; they had timed it well. Carlisle's shift at the hospital ended just a half hour before.

She came through the front door, locking it behind her. I stifled a laugh; she worried about someone or something getting to her that a locked door could keep out, when she regularly consorted with vampires and werewolves, one of whom was currently lurking upstairs.

She headed to the kitchen where she began to remove things from the refrigerator -- to make dinner for her father, no doubt – but paused when she evidently found the note he had left for her on the kitchen table. _I won't be home till late, Bells. Got some work to take care of. – Dad. _I had read it hours earlier.

Making no sound of annoyance, joy, or acceptance, she began replacing all of the unneeded ingredients back in their original places.

I should have gone down to greet her, I knew, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I felt strangely unhinged, and didn't want to confront her until I had calmed down enough to do it without coming off as accusatory and suspicious. Alice had been right – I just had to ask Bella, and I was sure she would have a perfectly good explanation.

After a few more minutes of puttering around the kitchen – during which I breathed steadily to calm down – I heard her footfalls on the stairs. I settled into the rocking chair, awaiting her startled reaction at finding me in her room.

She threw open the door, tossing her jacket and bag on her small bed. It was a few short moments before she turned towards me, but when she did she left out a loud gasp, her hands flying up to cover her mouth. She stood staring at me for half a second longer, then dropped her hands to reveal a wide grin.

Despite myself, I grinned back.

"Edward!" she said happily. "I'm so glad you're here. I missed you today."

"How did you enjoy the hospital?" I asked. So, I wasn't going with the direct approach after all. I had meant to, but the question just slipped out.

She hesitated for a fraction of a second, and then -- "Um – it was OK. Nice to spend time with Carlisle" -- she lied.

_What?_ I fixed my falling smile, forcing it back into place. _What?_

"Well – that's wonderful. Carlisle -- he's, well, wonderful."

"Yeah," she agreed with a soft smile. "He really is."

Oh my God. She's keeping things from me, _lying_ to me, and smiling soft, secret smiles for _Carlisle_.

"I'm really glad you're here now, though," she continued, focusing her soft smile on me. "I missed my Edward."

I blinked. She was completely sincere now. She couldn't fake that; she couldn't act to save her soul.

Guilt struck me suddenly – the surprise. I had been sure of her intentions to surprise me mere days ago, and now I was suddenly suspicious that she was hiding something horrible? Of course she would have chosen Carlisle to aid her – he knew me longest and best, and was well versed at concealing his thoughts from me.

I decided to play along and say nothing about having been at the hospital today. I would pretend that I didn't see through her poor attempts at telling me a falsehood. She was Bella, whom I loved and trusted above all others.

I smiled at her, and was relieved to find that it was completely genuine. I held my arms open in invitation, and she climbed willingly into my lap, her warm, pliable body curling against me. _Ah, contentment_, I thought, running my nose over her ear and down along her jaw, breathing in the sweet scent of her.

**A/N part 2: As usual, let me know what you think. Especially those of you who have this story on alert, but haven't left a review. *makes a pouty face***


	4. Chapter 3: Thursday Becomes D Day

**A/N: I haven't really looked this chapter over, but I feel guilty for waiting this long to update, so I'm posting it anyway. Let me know if you find any glaring errors, if you would be so kind. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Edward, or Bella, or Carlisle. Mmmm… Carlisle… **

**And now…. I torture poor Edward some more.**

Chapter 3 – Thursday Becomes D-Day

Bella was spending the day with Carlisle 'at the hospital' again, so I decided to check in on them. Since the Sunday disappearance the two of them had only been acting stranger still – I'd caught them signing at each other a total of seventeen separate times, and it wasn't in any sign language I had ever heard tell of. Each time my eyes snapped to their strange motions, Bella's face would turn bright red and Carlisle would clear his throat or chuckle under his breath, averting his eyes from me. He would occasionally glance furtively at Bella after one of these exchanges, and she would nod almost imperceptibly, before making some excuse for her and I to leave the room.

I was trying desperately to stay out of Carlisle's head, telling myself repeatedly that Bella was only trying to surprise me, and I shouldn't let my petty jealousy and need to know everything ruin it for her, but it was becoming increasingly difficult as the days went on and the two of them continued their little games with no seeming end in sight.

Finding them smooshed together in the closet put an end to my patience. Especially when Jasper accosted me as I stomped past his study.

_Edward, what has you so jealous? I thought that business with the mongrel was over with?_

I snarled at him in lieu of a proper response.

He rolled his eyes at me. _Could you tone it down, brother? I'm about ten seconds away from throwing Alice in a sack and running for the hills with her._

Alice giggled from their room. "I'd like to see you try," she taunted him.

I opened my mouth to ask Alice if she could please look for me and find out what Bella and Carlisle were up to, but the guilt crept up on me again, and I simply muttered, "Sorry, Jasper."

He assumed my guilt was directed at him, and clapped me on the shoulder before running off to take Alice up on her challenge.

I cursed myself for not asking for her help as I glared at Carlisle's office door. There _was_ something strange going on between them; it wasn't simply my imagination.

When I pulled into the parking lot I was surprised to find Carlisle's Mercedes still parked beside Bella's faded, red truck. I'd actually expected that the two of them would have sneaked off again, but it appeared as if they were still at the hospital after all.

Since they were present, though still as of yet unaccounted for, I decided I would tell Bella I had come to take her out for lunch – apparently hospital food was vile, so it was a believable enough excuse to be nosing around.

I walked toward Carlisle's office, fighting the urge to go at an inhuman pace. As I approached the door I couldn't hear him within, so I paid a visit to the always-helpful nurses' station.

The head nurse, Judy, really liked me, and she greeted me with her usual bright smile and inappropriate thought about the shape and obvious firmness of my ass.

"Hi, Judy," I said, breaking her out of her soon to be pornographic reverie. "Have you seen my father around?"

"Oh, yes. I sure have, Edward." She blushed as she spoke my name. "Dr Cullen and that pretty little Swan girl – I think they're in the doctors' lounge."

"Thank-you," I told her, turning in the direction of the lounge.

"Strange pair, those two," she added. I turned my head to glance over my shoulder at her. "They've been laughing like a pair of hyenas all day, high fiving each other and all sorts of silliness. I told Dr Cullen to act his age, but that just made them laugh all the harder."

She was smiling with fondness. Just like all the nurses here, she loved Carlisle. I smiled back vaguely and headed towards the lounge.

I heard their voices as I turned down the north corridor, so I ducked into an alcove to listen in, unnoticed. I didn't want Carlisle to recognise my presence and censor his words or thoughts.

"Geez, Carlisle," Bella was saying between snickers. "Act your age, would you?"

Carlisle laughed heartily with her. "If I acted my age, I'd be dead."

Bella cracked up with him, gasping and choking as she tried to formulate an answer.

"Don't forget to breathe," Carlisle said, still laughing. How could he find that funny? I was hard pressed not to run to the lounge and pound on her back myself.

They were quiet for a moment, Bella's breathing beginning to steady. Carlisle was thinking about Judy's comment and chuckling to himself.

"So, are we all set for next Friday, then?" Bella asked. My ears perked up. Plans?

"Yes, all set," Carlisle answered. "I'm sending Alice and Jasper away to celebrate their anniversary – nothing distracts Alice better than Jasper and shopping, so Paris. I have a medical convention to attend in San Francisco, and you are spending a lovely weekend in Florida, bonding with your mother."

They laughed conspiratorially.

"Do you really think Edward will let me go to Florida alone, no questions asked? He'll make some excuse to come too."

"Just tell him you really need to spend time with your mother, alone. Because even though she's given her blessing and is throwing herself wholeheartedly into the wedding preparations, you know she still has reservations and you want to alleviate her worry. She requested that you come by yourself, and you feel that is what's best."

"You're good."

"Why, thank-you," he laughed. "I do know how Edward's mind works after all this time, and he'll submit."

"I may as well work the guilt trip a little. Everyone always uses it against me."

Carlisle laughed again. "It will work out. All I have to do is keep my thoughts in check and no one will ever know. And I have gotten very good at that over the years. Our flights leave at nearly the same time, so I have the perfect excuse to drive you to the airport in Seattle. It's perfect."

"I can't wait!" Bella exclaimed excitedly.

"Neither can I. I've never done something like this before."

"What about that time in 1964?"

"Well, yes, but that was only the one. Not nearly as much fun." An extremely thin woman showing an ample amount of cleavage flashed through his mind.

Bella giggled. "No, I suppose not."

"Do you want one of those little silver get-ups to wear?" he asked her. A picture of it appeared in his head – zinging tight silver spandex-type top, a ridiculously short skirt, and thigh high silver boots. And he was picturing it on my Bella! She looked like some sort of trashy, pulp novel trollop! "I'm sure I could have one made for you," he continued, the image evaporating into nothingness.

"No, I think I'll stick with what we got in Seattle, thanks." She giggled again. "You'd look great in one of those outfits, though, Carlisle." Was it just me, or did she purposely make her voice low and sultry when she said that?

He lowered his voice to match hers. "I think I'll go with our Seattle purchase, as well. Alice liked the hat you picked, so everything else is probably wonderful too."

Oh my God. Seattle. The bag I'd touched, and Bella nearly biting my head off. It was something they'd picked out together. Something to wear for – whatever it was they were sneaking off to do that they were plotting and scheming and lying about to be sure the rest of us never discovered.

Something inappropriate is going on. Something very, very inappropriate.

What was I going to do? Should I burst into the room and tell them I had overheard everything and demand an explanation? Did I _want_ an explanation? My phantom heart felt like it was being ripped in two simply hearing the two of them laugh about their plans and their ease at hiding them from me; how could I take actually discovering what they were doing?

God, my Bella. And Carlisle. The two most beloved beings in my existence were conspiring against me. But I didn't really know what it was they were doing, the tiny optimistic part of my brain told me. Maybe I should wait it out, skulk around a bit more until I had more information before questioning them. I could get to Alice and Jasper before they left on their trip, get Alice to check into their plans, have Jasper read the emotions passing between the two of them. That's what I needed to do.

"Let's watch the movie," Bella said in a perky voice.

I sucked in a deep breath and, with difficulty, forced myself to leave my hiding spot and the hospital for my car.

I jumped into my Volvo, turning the key violently and hitting the gas. I raced all the way home, hoping Alice would be able to ease my worry.

But neither Alice nor Jasper were anywhere near the house; the only presence I sensed in the general vicinity was Esme's.

"Esme?"

"Mmmmm?" she answered, looking up from her design magazine.

"Do you – have you –" _Just spit it out, Edward!_ "Have you noticed that Carlisle has been acting strangely?" I said it so quickly, I wasn't sure it Esme had even understood, vampire or not.

She laughed. "Well, differently, yes, I suppose. He's really been enjoying spending time with Bella. They're bonding; it's very sweet." Her face took on a dreamy, far-away expression. "He feels very paternal with her, more than with the rest of you. Because she's human and still needs him, I suppose." She smiled at me happily.

Paternal. Right. That's exactly how he's feeling. I thought about the image of Bella tarted up like a space-age nympho that I'd plucked from Carlisle's head and was tempted to assault poor, sweet, blind Esme's ears with the truth about Carlisle's 'feelings' towards Bella.

But I couldn't do it. Not when she was staring at me with her wide, golden eyes and smiling her innocent, dimpled smile. How could he do this to her? Even if it wasn't Bella, and had nothing to do with me, what about Esme?

My mouth flooded with angry venom, and I had to swallow before speaking.

"Where are Alice and Jasper? I really need to speak with both of them."

"Oh, I'm sorry Edward, dear, they've gone. They're spending their anniversary in Paris. Romantic, isn't it? And you won't be able to reach them, I'm afraid; Alice said no phones allowed." She laughed softly.

I nodded and forced a returning smile. Dammit! They were already gone! He'd already taken care of them! Without Alice's visions and Jasper's senses, how was I going to find out what they were doing?

There was no way around it now, I would have to follow them and catch them red-handed. Until next Friday, I would have to play my part like a pro. I would endure their little game; I would go along with everything they said and did like nothing was amiss. And when the two of them boarded their plane to wherever it was they were going, I would be on the very next flight.

**Like it? Hate it? Want to strangle me? Let me know! **


	5. Chapter 4: Friday to Friday

**A/N: Okay, finally, I'm posting. Sorry it's taken so long; I've been distracted by other stories. *insert properly guilty face here* You were warned that this story was silly, so don't kill me! Thanks to Katrin for the beta on this chapter. :)**

Chapter 4 – Friday to Friday: Starring Edward Cullen as Sherlock Holmes

The following morning I left Bella's house while she still slept and went to the hospital to begin my investigation.

I slipped, unnoticed, into Carlisle's office and turned on the computer. I hacked into his banking files, looking for recent charges to his credit cards. I found the evidence of five plane ticket purchases: two to Paris, one to Florida, and the remaining two heading to San Francisco. The latter three all left on Friday night. He had also used the same card to make a reservation at a hotel in San Francisco. I committed the address to memory and logged out of the computer.

I went to find Carlisle then, to say hello and tell him I had been to look for him at his office, so he wouldn't be suspicious when he caught my scent within its walls.

I asked him if I could switch the Volvo for his Mercedes for the day, as I was taking Bella to Port Angeles, and with Alice gone, couldn't be 100% sure that the sun wouldn't make an appearance.

He agreed, of course, telling me to have a good time. Returning his smile without baring my teeth at him was one of the single most difficult things I have ever had to do.

During our dinner in Port Angeles, Bella gave me her Renée excuse for being out of town the following weekend. I had to give her credit -- she did a far better job of lying than she usually did. Carlisle must have practised with her beforehand. If I hadn't already known the truth, I very well may have believed her story, though I wouldn't have given in to her request to go to Florida unaccompanied so easily. I still would have gone with her – if only to stay at a hotel near her mother's house just in case. I could only imagine the sort of trouble Bella could run into on such a trip; it truly baffled the mind.

As it was, I knew that she would be safe with Carlisle. That thought didn't give me the usual comfort.

I spent the next six days in meticulous examination of every word and look that passed between the pair of them. After a multitude of raised eyebrows, secret smiles and Bella constantly biting her lips, I came to the conclusion that I was indeed correct in my assumption that they were being inappropriate. They were acting like a pair of teenaged lovers trying desperately to keep their entanglements a secret from mom and dad.

And apparently in this scenario, I was mom and dad.

I almost blew my cover on Wednesday afternoon when Carlisle actually had the gall to _wink_ at Bella. With me sitting right there! I stood up abruptly from my spot beside her on the couch and said I was taking her home.

She looked confused, but nodded at me. I didn't miss her longing glance at Carlisle as she left the room, nor did I fail to catch his head nodding at her in return.

Remaining quiet about what I knew was immeasurably difficult, but I somehow managed to play along with them as if everything were normal. As the Friday of their flight came, I still couldn't believe I'd pulled it off.

I said goodbye to my "father", and stared at Bella in sadness. Was she really going to do this? I wrapped my arms around her and whispered in her ear, "I can still go with you, you know. It's not too late."

She pulled back and smiled at me. "No, it's better this way. But I'll miss you. So much." She stretched up on her tiptoes and pressed her mouth to mine. I threaded my fingers into her soft brown hair, holding on for dear life. I kissed her with longing and abandon, afraid that this would be our last kiss. I only pulled away when her heart stuttered and I realised she wasn't breathing.

She gasped, pulling the needed air into her lungs. Her eyes looked dazed. She absentmindedly licked her lips, staring at mine. "Mmm," she mumbled. "Love you."

How could she be so cruel?

I nodded numbly and released her.

"See you on Sunday night."

I nodded again without meeting her eyes. "See you then," I said quietly.

After they left I paced my room for an hour, my head filled with horrible thoughts. When exactly one hour had elapsed, I pulled on a long-sleeved hooded sweater and stuffed a pair of gloves into my pockets – just in case the sun decided to shine. I grabbed the small bag I had packed for show – I didn't want to draw attention from the airport personnel for travelling without any luggage.

I ran down the stairs and headed to the front door.

"Have a nice flight, Edward," Esme called after me. She was seated in the living room with a book. I turned towards her and she smiled.

_You know, they're only having a little fun. You should leave them be._

Esme knew?

"What are they—"

"No idea. But you should leave them."

"But—"

She sighed and turned her eyes back on the page in front of her.

_I tried. Bring me something from San Francisco at least._

I nodded my head -- though she wasn't actually looking at me -- and continued out the door.

My flight boarded twenty minutes behind schedule. I stood pacing the entire time while a small child eyed me nervously. Normally I would have taken pains to reassure him of my normalcy, but then and there I couldn't be bothered. Or maybe I was passive aggressively striking out at Carlisle by being so uncaring – by doing exactly the opposite of what he would have wanted.

Once I was seated I couldn't keep my mind occupied. The stewardess kept coming to offer me her assistance when I had already informed her several times that I was not in need of her expertise, thank-you very much. Her thoughts were beyond crude, and I was so distracted and stressed that I was having a difficult time blocking them out. I'd always detested flying – so many humans in such an enclosed area. Unlike my siblings, who were tormented by all of their tasty fragrances, it was the busyness of their minds that irritated me.

Eventually the stewardess gave me up as a lost cause – deciding that I must be gay, for what red-blooded male wouldn't want to join the Mile High Club? – and I was left with nothing to dwell on but my own torturous thoughts.

I recalled how I had once been envious of Carlisle's ease and innocence in touching Bella, when he had first met her at the hospital, and that old envy quickly turned to anger and jealousy. Was he once again going to be able to touch her in ways that I could not, had not yet trusted myself to do? I felt bereft and worse than pathetic, lying back in the leather seat, imagining my father -- my creator -- and my only love betraying me.

After what felt like an eternity, the flight landed and I rushed quickly out of the plane and through the airport. I jumped in a cab and gave the driver the name of Bella and Carlisle's hotel.

They had certainly already checked in – their combined scents permeated the air in the lobby. The concierge eyed me curiously, but I ignored him and followed Bella's scent towards the elevators. I pressed every button, stepping out of the doors on each floor to see if they had gotten off there. On the ninth floor, I caught her scent. I followed the trail to room 908, but they were no longer within. I was tempted to break-in and look over the room, but decided against it. Carlisle would know I had been there when they returned, so I needed to find them quickly before I was discovered.

I took the elevator back down to the lobby and exited onto the street. I had been in such a hurry to find them inside -- in whatever compromising position they may have been in -- that I hadn't noticed the scent of them leading away in the other direction.

I followed the trail to a large building, an old-fashioned movie house with people milling around outside. It was a strange place to be sure, but they had definitely gone inside.

I darted up the steps and walked briskly inside, following their scents and trying to pick Carlisle's distinct "voice" out of the crowd of mental jibber jabber surrounding me.

_There are more people here than I thought there'd be… I'm glad I bought the tickets when I did._

Carlisle.

I looked in the direction of his thoughts just as the he and Bella were emerging from behind a large pillar. I strode purposefully towards them until I was only mere feet away. They still had not noticed me, they were facing the other direction and Carlisle's thoughts were on Bella and how delighted he was that she was there with him.

"Aha!" I cringed internally – I hadn't meant to sound so, well, theatrical.

They turned to face me. I looked into Carlisle's eyes, and then Bella's. At least they had the decency to look guilty. Or maybe it was embarrassment. Where was Jasper when I needed him?

I glanced around the large room we were standing in. Movie posters. Cardboard cutouts of bizarre and random things. People in ridiculous getups.

I glanced down at Bella and Carlisle's attire as a comparison. She was sporting a t-shirt with a picture of the emaciated woman in a black dress that Carlisle had been thinking of that day in the doctor's lounge. The name "Vampira" was splashed across the bottom of the image. Carlisle's shirt was similar, but with what looked like a hubcap on it – or was it a flying saucer? – and something about a plan and outer space.

Bella was holding a tub of popcorn. Oh.

_Oh_.

"Is this some sort of B-movie love-in?" I asked. My anger had deflated and been replaced by confusion.

"Ed Wood, yeah," Bella replied stiffly. She jutted her chin out. "Go ahead and mock us."

Oh, Bella. I had never been less inclined to mock anyone ever in my entire existence.

I shook my head slightly and took a deep breath of relief. Carlisle was studying me intently.

_Oh my God. You thought we were…_

"You thought that we were…" he stuttered aloud. "Edward!" He looked aghast.

"Edward!" Bella chimed in, her voice sharp and her face reddening.

"What else was I supposed to think?" I snapped at them. They were the ones who had been lying and sneaking around, they weren't going to make me feel guilty for my assumptions.

_A little trust perhaps? _Carlisle attempted to guilt me with his thoughts. I ignored the sad look on his face, focusing on Bella.

"WE are going in to watch _Plan 9 From Outer Space_," she told me tersely. She barely opened her mouth when she spoke, her teeth were clenched so tightly. "YOU can meet us out front afterward, if you wish."

She stomped off in the direction of the costumed masses. I finally met Carlisle's disappointed face. He shook his head sadly and followed after her.

Great, now I did feel guilty.

_I shouldn't_, I kept telling myself. They had lied to me; I had reason to be angry with them, even if my assumptions had been a tad off base. Well, more than a tad. All right, my assumptions had been astronomically off base. But still, they _lied_ to me.

I sighed deeply and glanced around again. What a strange sort of place to want to be. I was curious as to what all the fuss was about. Had it really been worth all the skulking around?

I dazzled the ticket girl into allowing me in to watch the film without a festival pass.

I sat near the back of the room. Bella and Carlisle were huddled together near the middle, but decided against sitting with them. Bella's ire was very obviously up – her shoulders were tense, and she sat muttering nonsensically between mouthfuls of popcorn, which she crammed angrily and continuously into her mouth. I cringed, worried that any moment she would choke. Every once in a while I caught a "ridiculous" or "the nerve".

Carlisle patted her reassuringly on the shoulder and leaned down to whisper in her ear. "Vampira."

Her head turned towards him and she grinned widely. "Right," she said. "Right." She took a deep, calming breath and placed her hand on top of Carlisle's. "Vampira."

He took his hand off her shoulder and ruffled her hair playfully.

They both turned their attention to the front of the room as the lights dimmed and a spotlight shone on a man standing in front of the large screen.

He began speaking about the film and the filmmaker; I was paying little attention.

"Most famous work…" Blah, blah, blah.

Was Bella mad at me for keeps? Had I broken her trust in me by allowing mine in her to waver? Had I been wrong to jump to the conclusions I had jumped to?

"The legend, Bela Lugosi…last film…"

Esme hadn't been concerned by their odd behaviour; she thought it was _sweet_. Sweet. _They were bonding_. So what if it turned out to be the truth.

"Maila Nurmi, better known as Vampira…"

How did she have such blind trust in them? They had been behaving so out of character. Why couldn't I have that kind of blind trust in someone? Should I?

The man, thankfully, stopped blathering on and the spotlight was gone. The curtain slid open and the light from the projector appeared on the white screen.

A film began, in all its grainy, contrasty black and white glory. And I remembered it.

_Grave robbers from outer space… _

It was horrible.

Carlisle had dragged me out to see it at some point – 50's, 60's? I couldn't recall. But I could recall my reaction to it. I had complained and, to use Bella's word, mocked the entire way through. Now that I brought the memory to the forefront of my mind, I remembered that Carlisle had remained strangely silent throughout. I had never for a moment considered that he had been _enjoying_ the wretched thing. How could anyone?

Apparently they could. Carlisle and Bella were already laughing exuberantly and whispering to one another.

The acting _was_ laughable, just not in the sort of way that I could imagine anyone would actually find amusing.

You could plainly see the strings holding the flying saucers! It was all so very atrocious.

And they were having so much fun!

Bella squealed and nudged Carlisle when the woman "Vampira" came on screen for the first time. Vampira, what a joke.

And there it was again – Carlisle giggling. _Giggling_. I just didn't get it. It was beyond ridiculous. I felt my brain atrophying as I sat staring at the images flash across the screen in front of me.

I met them in front of the theatre when the film let out. I was staring confusedly at all of the humans pouring out of the building in wonderful spirits like they'd just come from watching a light-hearted masterpiece. What was wrong with all of them?

"Why would all of these people want to watch that horrid film?" I wondered aloud. Bella growled under her breath and waved her hand towards me as if to say "You see what I mean?" She looked at Carlisle and arched one eyebrow, tapping her foot impatiently on the sidewalk.

Carlisle sighed heavily. "Let's walk back to the hotel," he muttered.

Bella raised her chin in the air and strode off in the direction of the hotel, acting as if I wasn't even there. I was in trouble.

Carlisle reproached me with his thoughts the entire way; I'd never wanted to go at an inhuman pace so much in a non-Bella-threatening situation before. I refrained from rolling my eyes petulantly, but only just.

I knew Carlisle would easily forgive my transgressions; I'd done far worse after all. It was Bella I was worried about. She continued to walk several feet ahead of us, muttering under her breath all the while. She wasn't even paying attention to where she was going; I was terrified she was going to trip.

We reached the hotel and entered the elevator. Bella pressed the button for the ninth floor much more forcefully than need be, and then crossed her arms over her chest and walked around me to stand next to Carlisle.

We vacated the elevator in silence and walked to the door of their suite. I led the way down the hall without thinking, and Bella grumbled under her breath that she should have known I would know exactly where they were staying.

Carlisle strode ahead of me and opened the door with a key card, and we followed him into the large living area.

Bella threw her jacket and bag onto a nearby sofa and stood with her hands on her hips, staring out of the large window.

"I'll leave you two then, shall I?" Carlisle asked. He looked at Bella, raising his eyebrows questioningly.

She nodded slightly, her bottom lip jutting out.

"_Glen or Glenda_ tomorrow," he whispered to her. Her pout became a small smile. "Don't stay up too late." He ruffled her hair as he had done in the theatre, and kissed her gently on the forehead. It was a fatherly gesture, but with my recent thoughts, I couldn't help but be bothered by it.

He gave me a stern look. "What, no goodbye-kiss for me?" I said sarcastically, too quickly for Bella to hear.

Carlisle rolled his eyes. He was even picking up her expressions – they had obviously been spending far too much time together.

_Don't push it, Edward. I'm already miffed with you, and Bella is downright angry. You had better be ready to grovel._

He stood studying me for a moment. _Good learning experience for you, too_, he thought, and chuckled.

He left the room, closing the door silently behind him.

Bella continued to stare out the window, her brow furrowed and her arms crossed protectively over her chest. Her heart was flying and her breathing was laboured.

"Bella, I'm sorry. I just didn't know what else to think."

She huffed angrily but didn't say a word.

"Bella why didn't you just _tell_ me? Why all the sneaking around?"

She spun around to face me, her eyes bright and her lips quivering. "Look, I'm sorry that we kept things from you, that we misled you like we did, but we… no _I_ didn't want to listen to you go on and on about how positively _ridiculous_ it all is the way you did to Carlisle in the past. And it was harmless, so we didn't tell you."

"I wouldn't have –" I began indignantly, but she cut across me.

"Oh don't even try it, Edward. I know you. And Carlisle told me the sort of reactions you've had to the films that he and I have been going to see together. I didn't want to listen to it. You can't stand there and say you wouldn't have scoffed and mocked had you known – what was the first thing you did tonight? Curled your lip up and asked about the 'B-movie love-in'."

I opened my mouth to protest, but she was right, so I snapped it shut.

She smiled sadly. "And maybe," she continued. "Maybe I just wanted us to have our little secret. Our fun. Just me and my vampire dad," she added with a small smile.

"But why bother going through all of the trouble? The Florida trip? How could you think I would fall for it? I'm not an idiot."

Bella rolled her eyes as Carlisle had done before leaving. "Funny," she said stiffly, "you did a pretty good impression of one today."

I stood there gaping at her. Was this my Bella? She never spoke to anyone in this manner.

"How could you think—" She threw her hands in the air and let loose an exasperated growl, before resting both hands on her head, her fingers gripping her hair. It looked like she was hurting herself; I cringed internally.

"You thought Carlisle and I were having an affair? Seriously? Like not getting sex from one vampire wasn't enough – I'd want to not have sex with two?" she said sarcastically.

"Well… Carlisle is Carlisle; he'd …" I sighed. I didn't want to talk about Carlisle in those terms.

"Oh, so you thought that since you wouldn't give in to me, I'd look elsewhere?" She shook her head angrily. "This isn't about sex for me, you do know that, right? I. Love. You. I don't want to be with anyone else, ever."

Of course I knew that. She was right; I was an idiot. An absolute fool.

"I know. I'm sorry." I dared to walk a step closer to her. "You were both behaving so strangely, and I let my mind get away from me. I'm so sorry. It'll never happen again, I promise."

Her eyes softened as she finally looked into mine. I hoped it wasn't because she was dazzled, as she called it.

"Well, it had better not." Her voice still sounded harsh. "Okay, I've got to get some sleep. _Glen or Glenda_ is playing pretty early tomorrow, and Carlisle and I wanted to get some shopping in beforehand. There's some bag that Alice wants."

I hesitated, unsure of what to do, what she wanted. She no longer appeared angry, only slightly irritated. Did she want me to leave?

Wait a minute…Alice? But that meant she knew they were in San Francisco. That little… I was going to get her.

Bella pulled the elastic out of her hair and let it fall around her shoulders. "Get your shoes off and get in bed," she commanded. Vengeful thoughts of my duplicitous sister slipped from my head.

"I'll be right back." She headed into the small bathroom to perform her nightly rituals. I nearly skipped into the bedroom in my joy and relief. She still wanted me here!

I toed off my shoes and threw my jacket on a nearby chair. I didn't want her to be cold, but I knew she liked me to "sleep" shirtless, so after a moment's indecision, I removed it as well, and tossed it over my jacket. I grabbed an extra blanket from the closet, just in case she needed it.

I climbed in beneath the soft sheets and waited for Bella. After spending a ridiculous amount of time brushing her teeth, she reappeared – lovely and perfect in her pyjamas. She crawled in bed next to me and turned out the bedside lamp.

"You have to go back to Forks tomorrow," she said. "I want to enjoy the rest of this weekend with Carlisle and without your running commentary. Agreed?"

Ah—no! Compromise, I needed a compromise. "How about if I promise not to say a word about your… activities, I can stick around. I'll stay in, you won't even know I'm here until it's time to sleep. That way I get to hold you, and I don't miss any of _your_ commentary."

She looked about to protest, so I held open my arms for her and gave her the most forlorn expression that I could muster. She glanced down and noticed for the first time that I was without my shirt. Her face flushed scarlet and her heart sped up. "Deal," she said, and practically launched herself at me.

**~*~**

**Comments? Questions? Raise your hand if you even know who Ed Wood or Vampira are. ;) **


	6. Chapter 5: Saturday and Sunday

**This has taken forever, and I apologise. I have many excuses, but you don't want to hear them. I am over my block and have completed my Big Bang fic, so I should be updating all of my WIPs frequently from now on. **

**Many thanks to my dear Citikitti for the beta. I own nothing, as usual. **

Chapter 5 – Saturday and Sunday

After their movie – and I use the term very loosely – Bella and Carlisle arrived back at the hotel, purchases in hand. It bothered me that Bella seemed to have no issue with Carlisle spending money on her, when she practically pitched a fit when I even suggested the possibility of doing such a thing.

Carlisle lovingly wrapped the traitor Alice's bag in tissue and placed it in an empty suitcase. _Alice._ I had no idea how to deal with her treachery without her seeing it coming. She'd allowed me to make an ass of myself, while she probably sat back in a posh Paris hotel suite and laughed at me. We freaks of the undead world were supposed to look out for one another, not sell each other out for our own amusement and designer handbags. She was going to pay, no matter how long it took for me to get back at her.

"How was your morning?" I asked.

"Really great," Bella replied brightly.

Carlisle's mind filled with bizarre images of a man in a dress and I made a face. Bella saw me looking at him and glared at me, knowing exactly what images I was likely seeing in his head. I sighed internally and asked her if she needed a hand unpacking her things. It was ridiculously difficult to keep my opinions to myself.

I discovered just how difficult it was as the weekend progressed. They went to see several more films, which, unbelievably, seemed to get even worse as they continued. I bit my tongue and busied myself with something pointless as they sat around and discussed them afterward, laughing the entire time. How could something so foolish amuse them like it did? I'd always known I was stubborn and something of a smartass, but Emmett's claim that I was a snobbish know-it-all snob I had always made me scoff. I was beginning to think he might have been correct in that calculation.

While we sat around on the last day -- Bella enjoying her room service while Carlisle and I lazily packed up -- Carlisle grinned at me.

_This was difficult for you, wasn't it? Staying quiet when you were bursting to put your oar in?_

I sighed and nodded discreetly, then looked towards Bella and shrugged. She was already upset with me; why break my promise? Carlisle smiled again and nodded.

_It's difficult for our kind to change, to adapt to new situations. I'm proud of you. I know how difficult it can be at first, and it's doubly so for you, since Bella is human_.

"How was it difficult for you?" I asked him, too quickly for Bella to hear.

_I was used to being at the hospital constantly, and I needed to make more time for Esme. She got very angry with me before I realised I was neglecting her._

"I don't remember that," I said, confused. A disagreement between Esme and Carlisle was a rarity, let alone a full-blown argument.

Carlisle chuckled. _Lucky for you._

I saw a few brief flashes in his mind that made me feel extremely lucky indeed. I cringed and he laughed again, this time loudly enough that Bella looked over at us questioningly.

_We all change if need be; we'd all do anything for those we love. You know, I quite like my office the way it is, but Esme is redecorating this weekend. Truthfully, I liked it the last 4 ways as well, but I never say a word about it. Forever is a long time, and we all fill it doing what we must._

He clapped me on the back and headed into one of the bedrooms to finish packing his clothes.

~*~

We rode back to Forks in separate cars, having left both the Volvo and Carlisle's Mercedes in the long-term airport parking. I suggested that Bella ride with Carlisle instead of me, hoping to allow them a bit more time to spend together, seeing as I had interrupted their bonding weekend.

I could hear them laughing and carrying on in the car ahead of me, but it no longer got under my skin. I was glad that Bella loved my family, and that they loved her in return. It made thoughts of changing her slightly less tortuous, knowing that the others would keep her happy, in case she came to blame me for the existence I'd thrust upon her.

Esme's presence was once again the only one I could sense in the house when we arrived. I helped Carlisle retrieve the luggage from the trunk before following him and Bella inside. Esme was waiting next to my piano.

"Well, we were busted," Bella told her, tossing a shopping bag on the sofa. "We went to a film festival."

Esme laughed. "I told Edward to leave you be, but he's a stubborn one."

Bella made a noise of accession at which Esme grinned.

"What sort of film festival?"

"Oh, Ed Wood. Horror, sci-fi, that sort of thing."

I couldn't hold in my huff of derision.

"And_ that_ is exactly why Edward was not invited," Bella added, violently jabbing her thumb in my direction.

_What's the expression? Mother knows best? _

Aloud Esme said, "Carlisle, I didn't know you had any interest in horror films."

"Only really awful ones," he replied with a laugh. "I hadn't watched any in years, until Bella mentioned something."

"Until I saw the autographed poster of Vampira you've got hidden in your office you mean," Bella exclaimed, her eyes bright with excitement. "I still can't believe you met Vampira, Carlisle. Did you guys know he met her?"

Both Esme and I glanced at Carlisle, curious. He looked embarrassed.

_Edward, if you feel any vestige of guilt over the horrible things you've thought about me these last weeks, you'll change the subject _right now.

Oh my, now why would he want me to do that? I raised an eyebrow at him and felt a large, toothy grin spread slowly over my face. I saw it reflected in Carlisle's thoughts. Now he really looked worried. Perhaps I wasn't over the whole lying business after all.

"Really, Carlisle," I said with exaggerated interest. "You never mentioned it. How did that go?"

_I will get you back for this. _

Bella started laughing. "Irony of ironies, she wanted to bite him! Tell them the story, Carlisle."

"No, really. It was silly," he attempted to deflect. I was having none of that. I hadn't seen Carlisle look so uncomfortable since… well, ever.

"I'd like to hear the story," I pressed. "In fact, I'm sure we'd _all_ love to hear it."

Carlisle opened his mouth, then closed it immediately, his eyes focused on the wood floor.

"Well," Bella said, apparently giving up on Carlisle, "he waited in line for her to sign his poster, but she was interested in giving him more than just her signature. Wasn't she, Carlisle?" She laughed again. Oh, this promised to be good.

_What? _Uh-oh, Esme was angry – a very rare occurrence, and therefore extremely frightening.

Carlisle adopted his most innocent expression. "She only offered to bite me – it was something she did often, pretending to be a vampire like she was. It was her shtick."

"Did you _let_ her?" Esme asked, her voice laced with warning. Her thoughts, unlike her quiet, deadly voice, were careening wildly.

"Of course not. She obviously would have realised I wasn't right when her teeth met my unyielding skin. And just my luck, with her delusions she would have known exactly what I was."

_That's the_ only _reason?_

_I should have said I didn't allow her to because I didn't_ want _her to. Er…_

My darling Bella, not realising what a precarious position Carlisle was already in, added, "I forgot the funniest part – she basically told him that biting him would be equivalent to them sleeping together in vampire terms." And she promptly burst out laughing, her face red from embarrassment.

Esme's internal monologue was all over the map, but one thing was for certain – she was _not_ impressed. At all.

Esme was a normally sweet and gentle being, but when it came to Carlisle, she could be irrationally jealous, something I had never understood before meeting Bella. I often thought that it was fortunate that Esme did not share my ability, for if she were privy to the thoughts of women in his presence her carefully guarded control would slip constantly.

She pulled Carlisle to his feet one-handed and proceeded to back him down the hallway towards their bedroom. His voice was low, soothing as he attempted to calm her. "Darling, it was nearly fifty years ago. It was silly; she didn't mean anything by it…"

"Where is this poster? Why have_ I_ never seen it?" she snapped, cutting him off.

"It's on the back of the closet door, in the office."

"It _was_ on the back of the closet door," Esme growled.

"There is no need for that, my love. I'll give it to Bella, all right? Bella adores Vampira."

"_Vampira_," Esme spat. "I'll show you _Vampira_."

I cringed as Esme's plans for Carlisle began their assault on my brain. I quickly tuned her out and focused on Bella's worried eyes.

"I think we had better leave," I told her.

"I didn't mean to get him into trouble," she said in a panicked voice. "Do you think he'll be okay? This is all my fault."

I chuckled. "He'll be fine, Bella. He's indestructible."

And it was a good thing Carlisle was virtually indestructible, because if Esme's thoughts were anything to go by, he was certainly going to need to be.

~*~

**One silly epilogue and a flashback to go, and this one is finished. :)**


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